Chapter 8:

mistake

a year has passed.

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It's still the same as before, I’m currently on my way to pick up kinasle and go to the rooftop. but today I feel a bit uneasy, I think it's because of the weather? The rainy seasons are going to hit this place anytime soon. but the uneasiness doesn't come from my body. it was, my mind? I don’t know the details. after I arrived. Kina is already there waiting for me, she is so beautiful “I'm sorry, the stall is a bit busy so I was kinda bit late, how long have you been waiting for me?”, I asked. “oh no don’t mind it, my work is also finished quite faster.”, she answered with a smile. “Okay, shall we?”, I offered my arms. she gently wraps her arm around mine. 

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As we arrived at the rooftop she sat on the couch and started rambling about her work this week. I managed to listen to everything she said as I water the plants on the rooftop.  but something feels off. Although she rambles, I noticed it was a lot quieter than usual. she stopped her rambler about work and silent herself by gazing at the sky. “Kina,” I called her. her blank stare suddenly interrupted and glanced at me. “you okay? What's wrong Kina? you want to talk about something?” , I bombarded her with questions. “Wow, since when did you become this nosey?”, “I’m just worried, kina..”, “Nah it’s nothing, I’m okay, Ryu.”, she smiled lightly. as she smiled I found myself trapped in my own mind about the unknown feelings I feel this afternoon, ‘is it just me, or I think she feels the same way as I am’ I asked myself in my mind. but as I sunk into my own mind I tried to ignore it. “oh I know, do you want tea?” I offered her. “no thank you.”, “coffee?”, “no.”, “any drinks?”, “no, I don’t want to drink anything.”, “then snacks? cake?”, “Nope.” “umm, then ice cream?”, “Nah.”, “eh? you usually crave for some ice cream?”, “haha, no Ryu no”. I sighed. “I gave up, then what is it that you want Kina?”, I asked her as I gave up. she smiled then she stood up and walked to me, she wraps her arms around my neck and smirks on her face. “Attention.”, “eh? wait, wait, hold on a seco-”

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A month has passed.

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this feels I acknowledge that I have once felt this uneasiness before. but when? Why do I feel some bitterness yet nostalgic feelings? but again, I can't pinpoint what these feelings are. what is it? It certainly is not sadness. In fact, I should be in my happiest state of mind. What is this?

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“Young master, young master, young master! new customers just came, should we put them on a waiting list?”, Mr. Tekkai breaks my daydream. “Oh, Sorry Mr. Tekkai. check the waiting list, if it’s too long then they better should be told to search another stall.”, I answered. “understood.”, said Mr. Tekkai as he came to the front of the stall. today is a lot busier than normal. At this time, the normal is actually still a busy hour. but today is a lot busier than that. I try to regain my focus to make the orders for the customer. as time went by, we actually pulled through. “great work today, Mr.Tekkai.”, I complimented Mr. Tekkai.” you as well did a splendid job, young master.”, “no, I don’t think so, I think I’m kind of lacking for today.” I laughed it off as I wiped the sweat on my forehead. Mr. Tekkai’s gaze seems to see through my mind. “something on your mind young master?” he asked. “Uh I don’t know, I think I'm not feeling that well, I think it’s because of the change in the weather,” I answered lightly. “I see, well you should take care of yourself, young master.”, “thank you Mr. Tekkai, I will. then, I will go off pick up Kina and actually want to take her here, please take care of the stall.”, “as you pleased.”, he answered.

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A few moments later I picked her up and both of us arrived at the stall. “good afternoon, Mr. Tekkai!”, Kina greeted Mr. Tekkai. “Good afternoon Kinasle.”, he answered lightly. “Mr. Tekkai, can you please get us two cups of tea?”, I said as me and Kina sat down on the chairs. weird, she usually starts rambling about anything in her mind. but she seems, quite. “Kina?”, I broke her daydream. “oh, sorry. what is it, Ryu?”, “are you okay?”, “Why did you keep asking me that question these days?”, “because you seem not okay.”, “I’m fine Ryu, I probably didn't feel so well because of the rainy seasons.” that is exactly what I said when I’m thinking about something off to Mr. Tekkai. “okay, sorry for being too nosey, I’m just worried about you. look, if you want to talk about anything, just tell me okay?”, “It’s okay, thank you, Ryu, for taking care of me,” she said. She smiled.

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“Two teas for the Young Master and Kinasle.”, said  Mr. Tekkai as he put down the teas at the table in front of us.  Just like that, the mood in the atmosphere changed. “haha, Really Ryu? you still go by that honorifics even here?”, she jokingly mocks me. “hey! I do not even agree with that. Mr. Tekkai insist!”, “haha yeah yeah sure sure.”, she sarcastically answered me when my mouth pouted a little. when she noticed me, she started to ruffle my hair. I smiled a little. after having a little talk. it began to silence again. When I try to pay her attention, I get distracted by that uneasy feeling. I run my finger on my own finger while I take a sip of the tea. this feeling, I feel like I’ve tasted it before. It’s like, a void surrounds me. or perhaps. The void eats from the inside. I looked at Kinasle, she is beautiful as always, but she seems a bit off. “Ryu, I-”, she stopped herself when she caught me looking at her. my face gives a signal to continue her sentences. “I- … I love you.”, she smiled so lightly, but it seemed like, a troubled smile. It’s like there is a bit of sadness. Is it just me? “I love you too, Kina.”, I replied.

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A week has passed.

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I walk slowly to the offices to have a walk with Kina. these feelings, It’s become clearer and clearer. I can somehow grasp a little bit of what it is. I don’t think I have the courage to tell Kina, but I have to tell her. This feeling is the feeling I’ve been suppressing the entire time. This feeling floats back to the surface because I never really confront it, instead, I bury it deep. I have to tell her.

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oh? I’ve arrived. I didn’t even realize, I looked at the time, I was on time. I gaze at the sky above, tonight going to rain. And again, I continue to sink myself in my own mind. I remember it, but I have to tell her how I am feeling rather than keeping quiet about it. I will respect all of her responses. well, because I love her. 

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“Mr. Harunakata?”, someone breaks my silence, obviously it wasn’t Kina. It was one of the office's front desks who was about to go home. “Ah yes? can I help you?”, I answered. “were you standing here waiting for Lady Sirenetaki?”, “yes, do you know where she is?”, “I think I saw her leave this office by herself about an hour ago. I thought you were informed.”, she answered. my body freezes about a second. “oh, no I don’t know. Maybe she wasn’t feeling well that she needs to go home quicker, thank you for telling me.”, I replied. “She kinda looks a bit unfit. okay, well, if you’ll excuse me.”, “ Yeah, thank you. take care.”, I answered as she took her to leave. I checked at the time, I was a little bit shocked thatI’ve been standing there for about an hour.

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On my way home, I can’t keep thinking about Kina. is she okay? Should I visit her? Nah, I think she needs a rest. I hope she is fine. I want to tell her about everything that is on my mind. rest well, Kina.

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A day has passed.

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I want to meet her. I want to check her condition. I want to be there for her. I want to tell her what’s been on my mind. today’s stall is a bit fuller than before. It exceeds the usual busyness. but today, just for today, I want to be selfish. “Mr. Tekkai, I want to apologize for my rudeness, but I think I need to go out a little bit sooner, I want to-”. “Go on, you’re worried about your girl, isn’t it? go on young master.”, Mr.tekkaicut my rambling. “Thank you very much, thank you very much. tomorrow you can take a day off.”, I said as I started my pacing leaving the stall to Kina’s office. When I arrived, I didn’t even realize I went to the front desk and asked where she was. but the same lady told me that she just left about 10 minutes ago. again? Kina, what happened? are you okay? After I collected my breath I started to run again, to Kinas. 

I arrived at the front door of her apartment room. I think this is the first time I came here right after she moved here when I helped her tidy her room for the first time. my hands a little bit shaky, I feel hesitant to knock on her door. but gained my courage and knocked on the door. a little while, she opened the door just barely to peek at who knocked it. “Ryu? Why did you come here? Why are you out of breath?”, said Kinasle, confused. “I- I- I want to meet you, Kina.”, I said that as I smiled. she paused a bit. “Wait there, It’s a bit messy.”, she said as she closed the door. I waited there for a good 4 minutes before she opened the door and told me to come. I sat on the floor in front of the table. she served me a cup of coffee. ”Thanks, Kina.”, I said, she answered with a smile. she sat down next to me. She leaned on my shoulder. We then have a light conversation.

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an hour has passed.

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“Kina, this couple of days. Why do you come home by yourself?”, I asked. “I- I- don’t know.”, she looked away. “you don’t want to talk about it?”, “no, It’s not that.”. “then?”, “I just, I want to go home a little sooner, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to trouble you. It’s just that-”, she paused herself. I waited for her to finish her sentences. “I’m not feeling well.”, “do you need any medicine?”, “no, not that silly.”, “well anything that is, I’m here for you.”,  she smiled just like she smiled at the stall a week ago after I said that. “The front desk told me you waited for me for an hour.”, said Kinasle. “that front desk? wow, she’s a bit mouthful.”, “hey! don’t bad mouth her.”, she tapped my mouth. “Ryu, I know this might sound a little bit hypocritical. but, if there is something on your mind and you want to talk about it, I’m also here.”, she wraps her arms around me while remaining in the same position. When she told me that, I remembered the things that I wanted to tell her. Should I tell her now? Is it necessary? I know I need to tell her but should I tell her now? If it’s now then I should build my courage. I’m asking myself over and over again. the silence kicks in without any warning. It was a brutal silence.

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a minute has passed.

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“This isn’t The farthest sunken sky.”, said Kina as I said

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“There is no The farthest sunken sky.”, at the same time.

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We break our position in shock then we sit face to face. I started up the conversation out of the heat at the moment. “What? what do you mean by this isn’t the farthest sunken sky.”, '' I don't know. I know it might sound crazy. I feel like this isn’t the real The farthest sunken sky. if you think about it.”, “so you also think that huh?”, “no, you didn’t also think the same, you said. there isn’t The Farthest Sunken Sky.”, “yes, I think there isn’t any.”, “you think?”, “yes”, “why do you think that?”, “because-”, “don’t be around the bush, tell me. Ryu.”, “because I feel the same as when we are on the villages because I feel the same.”, “what? you didn’t find the happiness that you’ve been searching for?”, “I don’t know.”, “you didn’t think I can be your happiness”, “It’s not that!”, “lies.”, “what? why you going around like I’m  the wrong here?”, “because you are”, “I’m not Kina I’m not!”, “well, what do you want then? go back?”, “yes.”, “you are outta your mind”, “so you think you were right? Well let’s talk about it, what do you want to do if this isn’t The Farthest Sunken Sky. you want to find that again?”, “yes I want to ask you to find it with me, but now I can't since you didn’t believe it ever existed!”, “Kina, think about it. if you were to find somewhere you think that it is The Farthest Sunken Sky. and it isn’t again. you want to find that again!?”, “YES! why? is it wrong to search my own happiness?”, “you didn't search for your own  happiness Kina, you only feed the idea that you are going to be happy if you find it.”, “what are you even talking about? I want to find my happiness because this isn’t.”, '' So what if you didn’t find it, you are going to chase it? until you 30? no, until you 50?”, “YES! IS THAT SO WRONG TO CRAVE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS?”, “do you even hear yourself!?”, “what? Do you think I’m not myself?”, “no Kina, I think this is very you.”, “then what? I’m selfish?”, “.....yes, yes kina you are.”, “....me? I’m selfish? Do you think I’m SELFISH? I just want to FIND my TRUE HAPPINESS. Is it that SO WRONG? SO YOU THINK I SHOULD GO BACK? TO THE VILLAGE? YOU THINK THAT IS THE RIGHT WAY? YOU CAN LIVE YOURSELF HAPPILY IN THERE WITH ALL YOUR WEALTH AND PRESTIGE LIFE WHEN YOU GOT BACK! ME? BACK TO ME WHEN I ONCE DIDN’T EAT FOR 3 DAYS JUST BECAUSE OF MY FATHER HUNT THE WRONG BIRDS? BACK TO ME WHO ONLY CAN GOING TO THE LAKE BECAUSE SOMEONE WILL TELL ME TO GO HOME WHEN I COME TO THE PLAYGROUND? BACK TO ME THAT I EVEN THINK THAT I ONLY HAVE ONE FRIEND NOT BECAUSE I AM SHY BUT ITS BECAUSE I’M THAT TRASH THAT I DON’T EVEN DESERVE A FRIEND?”, you stopped to take another breath. “you, ryusen, you are selfish.”, she broke down in tears. I stood there frozen. I gathered myself with a trembled voice. “Ki- Kina, I didn’t- I didn’t mean to-”, “Ryu-”, she paused herself. she stood up with the lightest smile I’ve ever seen.

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A second has passed.

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“I want you to never pick me up or see me again.”