HARUNAKATA RYUSEN JOURNAL

DATE: 101120 DAY: WED WEATHER: THUNDERSTORM

the rain, the rain falls down relentlessly.

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all the fairytales, stories, a rain symbolize sadness and parting. But I don’t feel any sadness. not that I’m happy either. It's just bitter and confusing. I never feel attached to rain, because, It never really rains in my villages. oh, and also It was raining right after we buried my late mother. so, I never really like rain. but just for today, I made friends with every single drop of the water. today, the rain feels soothing despite all the thunder and how heavy the rain is. because we were trapped in our stall. We decided to open the stall a little longer because the customer couldn’t go home either.

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only miss the light when it’s covered.

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I want to see it, fireworks. Where can I see it these days? haha, I’m being too sentimental. This is my new level of cheesiness. It was because of the rain. today I went out in the afternoon as usual. The unusual thing is, I’m not going to the same road, the unusual thing is, I’m not going to the same overpass. the most unusual thing is, I didn’t see her. It’s been like a month since I saw her. ah, I messed up, aren’t I? How could I be so heartless? In the end, I couldn’t be the reason for her happiness. today when I went out I went straight to the rooftop. do a little bit gardening, this sounds like a healing person would brag about. like ‘oh yeah I do gardening look at me I’m happy without you.’, but in fact. It didn’t even feel like healing. It just makes me remember her even more. It’s funny how an over a decade friendship and a year of relationship ended in like a night. I still vividly remember the taste of the coffee she makes. the bitterness was just right. when I’m on the way to the stall. The rain started to build up. this is the first time I used an umbrella this year. a walk on the shining and glittering streets yet no one is seen on the street because of the rain. I’m all alone. I wonder if I actually do it, leave this place and go back to the village. I never used my necklaces since we got here. Is Mr. Tekkai going to be okay? I’m going to miss him so much.

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It’s going to be so lonely up there.

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scared to be lonely? It's never like that. I think it was more, more like. scared when part of me becomes empty. Truthfully, no one wants to. even a loner makes their own friends. with their room perhaps, or their favorites books, or their favorite story, or even their mind. I want to be accompanied by light.  The chilling breeze of air from the thunderstorm can be vaporized by a single, warm, and gentle light. I don’t know why people praise the rain that much. I guess a shivering heart will always adore a clear sky. 

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but enough about the sky.

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any sky. clear sky, cloudy sky, raining sky, or even the farthest sunken sky. I want to talk about Kina. It’s funny how I still think that night was a dream. haha, I wish it was. I want you to stay by my side. but It was too late to say anything now. even if it is not too late, to be honest, you can’t. you were right, if you want to chase it go for it. why I’m being such a bother to make you come with me, I’m just too selfish. but even so, I have to do what I believe is right, I want to go back to where I belong, my hometown. but I just can’t stop thinking about you. I just, I'm just being such an idiot. too selfish, I don’t want to acknowledge that It’s over. I guess the past is the past. I guess in the end, we never last.

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I guess we never have us.