kina, kina, kina, kina, kina, KINA!

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The last one I shouted that name, I woke up from my sleep. It was a dream, a nightmare one. “Damn, now it’s even gone as far as dreaming of her. I’m seriously helpless.” I muttered to myself as I got up and tidied up myself. I took a nap on the sofa at the rooftop when I was ‘supposed to pick Kina up’. the funny thing is, Mr. Tekkai already knew the news but still let me get going in the afternoon. I should give him something before I leave this city. I got a month left before I go back to my hometown. so I already prepared everything to make sure my departure never bothers Mr. Tekkai ... and also her. but I’m sure she’s fine. I prepared myself to get going to the tea stall. It’s been 5 weeks since I saw her, officially.  because I caught her walking somewhere with her co-workers. ah, It was bothering me if I see her sad without me.

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but why was it more bothering to see her happy without me?

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damn you ryusen, why I’m being such a selfish, irritating, and troublesome person. So what if she’s being so adorable and shining in front of someone other than me. Is this how it feels to be jealous? how irritating. I know, I know, if she is happy then that’s that. I shouldn't care less as long as she’s happy.

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with or without me.

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As I finished watering the plants, I left the rooftop and started to walk to my stall. I passed a man with his daughter on their way home. “good afternoon!”, the kid greeted me. “ah, good afternoon! have a good day.”, I answered her greetings. her father smiled proudly at her. it is nice, isn’t it? to be happy in a city where it was supposed to be a place where happiness lies. live here long enough to cradle his own daughter. live here long enough to take his daughter to school and pick her up. seeing that sight warms my heart a bit as this weather becomes colder and colder throughout the season.

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happy in a supposed to be a happy place.

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I was happy when I got here but somehow the happiness of finding this place wears out quickly. the long dream of my life that I cling onto and believed to give me happiness somehow wears out so fast I couldn’t even remember the taste of it. to be fair, it did give me happiness. but it was because I’m happy that I got to find it with her, no, for her. it was because I’m happy that I can be with Kina. It was because I'm happy that I once had Kina. it was because of all the stupid things we did but stupid enough to warm and soothe my heart. but most importantly,  the happiness caused by this place was not forever, the happiness caused by this place wasn’t eternal happiness and exciting things that never wear my happiness out. The happiness caused by this place lasts too fast. damn, all these thoughts, even more, make me want to meet her.

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temporary happiness.

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“good afternoon! Mr. Tekkai.”, I greeted Mr. Tekkai as I arrived at the stalls. “welcome back, young master.”, '' Did something happen when I left?”, ”oh, something definitely will happen when you leave.”, he referred to my departure plan. “haha that’s a good one, but in seriousness, what is it?”, “Kinasle, she just left here a minute you came.”, said Mr. Tekkai. my eyes widened, I didn’t talk to him after because I immediately ran outside trying to find Kina. I don’t know where she is but I figured if I ran to her apartment I would run-up to her. as I climbed up the stairs and arrived at the top of the pedestrian bridge. I stopped my pace as I found a familiar posture. I think she notices the loudness of how I try to catch my breath because she turns around.

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unintentional rendevouz.

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she looked at me, but it wasn't a smile that she put on her face. just a straight and plain expression. I try to come up with something, I try to talk something, a shout? a greet? a plain ‘hey’? or a sudden cry? or even ‘I love you’? in the end. I can’t put a single word to her. I sighed out of disappointment, out of frustration, out of regret. “Mr. Tekkai told me everything about your plan,” she said, she never spoke this straightforwardly and dully, just what happened to her? “and he begged me to talk to you and cancel your plan, he even told me to rethink and question my choice of leaving you.”, she continues the sentence. “and then?”, “I don’t know. I didn’t think that much about it.”, '' I see…”, there is a long pause after what I said. “Kina.”, I called her. “yes?”, “I’m sorr-”, “don’t”, “what?”, “If you want to apologize, don’t.”, “why? Is it because it is too late?”, “no.”, “then why?”, “because, I think there is not even a single thing to be sorry about.”, as kina said that, I smiled at her. her eyes widened. “I see, you're probably right.”, “It’s funny how Mr. Tekkai told me to confront you but you are the one who came to me. Ryu, if you want to go back to our village, tell my parents that I’m doing all right. don’t worry about me”, ”if I arrived. I wouldn’t only tell your parents that.”, “what do you mean?”, “I want to tell them everything, I want to tell them how strong you are, I want to tell them how kind you are, I want to tell them that you saved me, I want to tell them that you're still the brightest being I’ve ever met.”, I got a bit over myself. “thank you ryusen, you are always so kind.” she said, her face starting to brighten up. “Kina, are you also going away and find the real Farthest Sunken Sky?”, “I’ve made up my mind. but I plan to go away early next year.”, “I see.. good luck.”, “thank you, Ryu.” she paused a little bit. “Ryu, back then at my apartment. I’m being too harsh and too inconsiderate to you, I really shouldn’t yell at you like that. I’m just afraid. I’m just afraid that you will leave. I’m just afraid that you will leave me. I’m just afraid that you will meet someone better than me. I’m just afraid that you will no longer love me anymore but in the end. I was the one who pushed you away. but I still can endure all those fears, except for one particular fear.”, she stopped her sentences. I really want to ask her what that fear is, but I just let her tell it by herself. “I’m truly terrified. that what you said might be true.”, she smiled but I could see her eyes beginning to gather some tears. “Kina, if you want to search for your happiness, then go for it. may it be in your 30s or even 50s. go for it. chase what you believed. find your own light. Sometimes you need to think about yourself. I’m more than happy if you can prove me wrong. but, if you are done searching if you are tired of finding if you need to rest and settle things, or even if you came to the same conclusion as me. just remember, I’ll be there. patiently, gratefully, and happily waiting for you. If you struggle to find your home, make me be the one. I’ll wait for you, because I’ll be there for you.”, after what I said. she couldn’t help herself but cry. She opens her arms and hugs me. I accept the hug gently. “since when Ryu? since when you became this good with words? also, since when did you grow taller and your shoulders get broader?”, “haha, I’m still the same Ryu that you know Kina, as a trainee mate, as a classmate, as a friend, as a best friend, as a journey friend, as a more than a friend, as a lover, as whatever you want to put it. I’m still the same.”, “Thank you, Ryu.”, said Kina as she pulled her hugs. “the pleasure is mine.”, she smiles so brightly after she wet my kimono and t-shirt with her tears. 

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warm light after a thunderstorm.

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“Then Kina, I will tell your parents one more thing.”, I said, “what is it, Ryu?”, “that, I love you.”, after I said that, she blushed a little bit. “tell my parents that I love you too.”, said Kina, “I will!.”, '' Well Ryu, this might be our last meeting, this might be a good time to say this.”, “what is it?”, “If you ever saw me look happier without you before we meet now, that was a facade. I can assure you that I’m a lot happier with you.”, said Kina, with a brighter smile. just like a deer caught in headlights, I was stunned. I couldn’t express how relieved and assuring that word was. “Well, good-bye. Ryusen Harunakata.”, she said as she walked past me. I didn't even realize that we turned around while we hugged each other. so Kina has to pass me to go to her apartment. I still stood there smiling. It saddened me that we had to part. but it also soothes and relieves me because of how it ended. without breaking the position. my head turns around and shouts her name. after I caught her attention. I said,

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“see you later, Kinasle Sirenetaki!”